Marriage Interruptus
I have long been fascinated with science and medicine. Hence the sports medicine major and biology minor. And up until the cop banned me from Web MD during my first pregnancy I would obsess over potential illnesses but also over baby development. And somehow I still remember that babies are born with reflexes which they outgrow during the course of childhood, like the rooting reflex for nursing, and the walking/stepping reflex, and the Moro reflex. The Moro reflex, as I recall, was a startle reflex believed to be left over from our time as monkeys, when we needed to grab on if we started falling, and was named for the discovering physician. I'm thinking I may be on my way to recognition in a similar fashion.
It appears that babies, or at least MY babies, were also born with a heightened sense of pheremone detection. It doesn't seem to be limited, however, to simply sexual situations (although believe me, they can sense those from about a mile away). Rather, it seems to encompass any situation during which the cop and I choose to have any meaningful interaction which could possibly lead to any amorous action. Let's say, for example, we are driving in a car. Imagine further, if you will, we have been listening to some mindless drivel on the radio for what seems like ever. In this situation, the wild boys will sit quietly in their seats, staring out the window, or playing quietly with toys. However, should we choose to engage in conversation we will make it approximately two sentences before marriage interruptus kicks in in full force:
Me: So, who is your subpoena on next week? And is it a trial, because I have Court on Wednesday, so maybe I'll see you there.
Cop: It's on one of my domestic violence (LOUD SCREAM FROM BACKSEAT: "MOMOMOMOMOMOMOM!!!!") cases. It's a two (FURTHER PROCLAMATION OF UNHAPPINESS: "HE'S LOOKING AT ME! HE TOOK MY TOY AND HIT ME WITH IT AND HE'S GLOATING!!!") day trial so maybe we can have lunch.
Me (eye twitching): That would be great. I haven't (TWO YELLING SIMULTANEONSLY CREATING A BLENDED SENTENCE SOMETHING LIKE "I WAS SMELLING IT AND THEN IT HIT MY NOSE IT WAS MY TURN AND HE DOESN'T SHARE I THINK THERE'S BLOOD HE BETTER NOT BLEED ON IT IT ISN'T FAIR") had Thai food in weeks.
Cop: Sure. That sounds (NEW PLEAS FOR INTERVENTION FROM A PARENT THAT MIGHT HELP "DAD? DADADADADADADAD!!! HE WON'T GIVE IT BACK!") nice.
Me: JUST GIVE IT TO ME NOW! NOW YOU BOTH LOSE IT!!!! Fantastic then. I love that ginger dish.
And this is how we've come to exist. We don't even seem to question it anymore. We just fully expect that if we are going to try to kiss Gabriel will climb between us and force us apart to ask a question that seems incredibly meaningful to him at the time like "but we don't pick noses, do we guys?" or something else completely random. I realized, the other day, that ignoring this is perhaps doing us a bit of a disservice in terms of maintaining the appearance of sanity.
On Sunday, the cop and I were cozied up on a couch at our brother and sister in laws house. I was laying down while he reclined against me, since he needed mobility to frantically gesture and scream at his football team (who shall remain nameless, but performed horribly this weekend thus necessitating a full cardio workout for the poor man who calls this one of his ways of "relaxing.") And as I attempted to soothe him by rubbing his back I was vaguely aware of a stabbing pain in my hip. I continued to chat with him and suddently he was registering discomfort in his eyes as well. And the cause? Gabriel had climbed up my hip, onto his shoulders where he was sitting slapping his father on the top of the head to the theme music for the NFL. Neither of us had noticed until he started to slip off and the cop caught him.
It makes me wonder. First off, how many times have we been used as jungle gyms and been totally oblivious? Second, what is the primitive function of this sense? My guess is that it ensures the baby time to be nurtured without competition. Because if you ask most infant/toddler/preschooler parents they are shocked at the idea that you could ever find the time, desire or energy to create another life when dealing with this kind of constant interruption. Really, in retrospect, Gabriel is a total miracle. This is also why most couples with a little one at home can tell the doctor exactly when they conceived. Because it's not like there was a tons of times it could have happened....
But most pressing of all my ponderings: when will they outgrow this? Seriously, I cannot fathom how incredibly complex the interruptions will become once they get older...I mean, they have to outgrow it soon, right? Because I really, really miss adult conversations that don't involve me breaking mid-sentence to shout something insane like "I SWEAR GAVIN IF YOU MAKE A MEAN FACE AND HE SLIPS AND FALLS IN THAT SHOWER AS A RESULT I WILL FIND A WAY TO PUNISH YOU THAT WILL MOST LIKELY INVOLVE THE PERMANENT LOSS OF A TOY YOU HOLD DEAR!!! AND I WILL MAKE SURE IT GOES TO A CHILD WHO WILL NOT ONLY PLAY WITH IT, BUT WILL PLAY WITH IT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!"
Until next time.
It appears that babies, or at least MY babies, were also born with a heightened sense of pheremone detection. It doesn't seem to be limited, however, to simply sexual situations (although believe me, they can sense those from about a mile away). Rather, it seems to encompass any situation during which the cop and I choose to have any meaningful interaction which could possibly lead to any amorous action. Let's say, for example, we are driving in a car. Imagine further, if you will, we have been listening to some mindless drivel on the radio for what seems like ever. In this situation, the wild boys will sit quietly in their seats, staring out the window, or playing quietly with toys. However, should we choose to engage in conversation we will make it approximately two sentences before marriage interruptus kicks in in full force:
Me: So, who is your subpoena on next week? And is it a trial, because I have Court on Wednesday, so maybe I'll see you there.
Cop: It's on one of my domestic violence (LOUD SCREAM FROM BACKSEAT: "MOMOMOMOMOMOMOM!!!!") cases. It's a two (FURTHER PROCLAMATION OF UNHAPPINESS: "HE'S LOOKING AT ME! HE TOOK MY TOY AND HIT ME WITH IT AND HE'S GLOATING!!!") day trial so maybe we can have lunch.
Me (eye twitching): That would be great. I haven't (TWO YELLING SIMULTANEONSLY CREATING A BLENDED SENTENCE SOMETHING LIKE "I WAS SMELLING IT AND THEN IT HIT MY NOSE IT WAS MY TURN AND HE DOESN'T SHARE I THINK THERE'S BLOOD HE BETTER NOT BLEED ON IT IT ISN'T FAIR") had Thai food in weeks.
Cop: Sure. That sounds (NEW PLEAS FOR INTERVENTION FROM A PARENT THAT MIGHT HELP "DAD? DADADADADADADAD!!! HE WON'T GIVE IT BACK!") nice.
Me: JUST GIVE IT TO ME NOW! NOW YOU BOTH LOSE IT!!!! Fantastic then. I love that ginger dish.
And this is how we've come to exist. We don't even seem to question it anymore. We just fully expect that if we are going to try to kiss Gabriel will climb between us and force us apart to ask a question that seems incredibly meaningful to him at the time like "but we don't pick noses, do we guys?" or something else completely random. I realized, the other day, that ignoring this is perhaps doing us a bit of a disservice in terms of maintaining the appearance of sanity.
On Sunday, the cop and I were cozied up on a couch at our brother and sister in laws house. I was laying down while he reclined against me, since he needed mobility to frantically gesture and scream at his football team (who shall remain nameless, but performed horribly this weekend thus necessitating a full cardio workout for the poor man who calls this one of his ways of "relaxing.") And as I attempted to soothe him by rubbing his back I was vaguely aware of a stabbing pain in my hip. I continued to chat with him and suddently he was registering discomfort in his eyes as well. And the cause? Gabriel had climbed up my hip, onto his shoulders where he was sitting slapping his father on the top of the head to the theme music for the NFL. Neither of us had noticed until he started to slip off and the cop caught him.
It makes me wonder. First off, how many times have we been used as jungle gyms and been totally oblivious? Second, what is the primitive function of this sense? My guess is that it ensures the baby time to be nurtured without competition. Because if you ask most infant/toddler/preschooler parents they are shocked at the idea that you could ever find the time, desire or energy to create another life when dealing with this kind of constant interruption. Really, in retrospect, Gabriel is a total miracle. This is also why most couples with a little one at home can tell the doctor exactly when they conceived. Because it's not like there was a tons of times it could have happened....
But most pressing of all my ponderings: when will they outgrow this? Seriously, I cannot fathom how incredibly complex the interruptions will become once they get older...I mean, they have to outgrow it soon, right? Because I really, really miss adult conversations that don't involve me breaking mid-sentence to shout something insane like "I SWEAR GAVIN IF YOU MAKE A MEAN FACE AND HE SLIPS AND FALLS IN THAT SHOWER AS A RESULT I WILL FIND A WAY TO PUNISH YOU THAT WILL MOST LIKELY INVOLVE THE PERMANENT LOSS OF A TOY YOU HOLD DEAR!!! AND I WILL MAKE SURE IT GOES TO A CHILD WHO WILL NOT ONLY PLAY WITH IT, BUT WILL PLAY WITH IT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!"
Until next time.
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