Easter Eve Nightmares
Hola Wild Boy friends and family, and Happy Easter from la Casa de Testosterone!
I have a very, very brief minute to check in but I'm taking full advantage because writing is cathartic, and this Momma had a really, really rough Saturday. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy. I just think that one day, when someone finds me curled up in the fetal position clutching an empty bottle of vodka and mumbling something like "the horror..." you may all be able to figure out what drove me to it if I testify now.
Here's the thing. I slacked off, to an epic extreme, and suddenly it was Easter Eve and I had NOTHING. Literally, nothing. So after two baseball games the Cop volunteered to take the extremely filthy, tired, and cranky wild boys home so I could do the shopping. And somehow, in my stupor, I thought I got the better end of that deal. No kids, no problem, right? So I drove right on over to the very portal to hell itself - Walmart.
I don't do Walmart. I just don't. But all I needed was to find some Easter goodies for my two, cherubic little darlings...how hard could that be? I'd just pop in, grab some stuff, pop out... No. So much no. In retrospect I should have driven the 40 minutes to Target like I usually do. But I was proud. I was a fool.
As it turns out, the day before holidays brings out the absolute best in customer variety in Walmart. There was a charming obese couple driving rascals that had all but entirely blocked the entrance trying to ride side by side. The fact that I couldn't get through the front door without drama should have tipped me off that it was going to be rough. But I just plodded through a side entrance, intent on the mission. Along with what felt like ONE MILLION OTHER PEOPLE. Some of whom knew each other well enough to embrace and have conversations with each other that actually involved the sentence "no, he doesn't look that bad - everyone in this county has had a mullet at least once in their life" (and for the record - not true...no mullets up in la Casa, that's a hard and fast rule). Some were just as shocked and numb as me at the crowds, huddled to the side with their carts in wide eyed horror. And some, some were there to maximize on whatever random crap was on sale.
As it turns out, the giant, Prius sized bin of cheap blu-rays was the place to be if you were a random sale crap shopper. I have no idea what was in it, but I do know that it was drawing in weirdos like lights draw in moths and pretty rocks draw in tweakers. People were setting infants on the floor to get a good dive to the bottom. An extremely large woman in a very fitted shirt with a Chihuahua crammed in the pocket tight enough to make its eyes bulge even more than normal was taking up an entire side with some angry elbow jabs at helpless bystanders. And employees stood back watching. I'm guessing they had wagers placed on it.
I grabbed some candy. God's honest truth, I'm not even sure what I ended up with, as evidenced by the fact the Cop haphazardly grabbed some candy this morning and had a jellybean mixed in with chocolate and officially "fired" the Easter bunny. But in my defense there was brutally little left with less then 24 hours left to the big day. Plastic eggs? None. Regular M&M's? None. Egg dyeing kits? None. I ventured down toy aisles, I ventured down sports aisles, and eventually I cut my losses and went to Big 5 and Safeway. It worked out in the end. Easter morning happened, and with the glaring exception of the Cop nearly dying from accidental jellybean ingestion, life went on.
I'm in recovery. We had a lovely morning, and I'm about to have a lovely bloody mary to help the healing process. Valuable lesson learned - preparedness is key, and Target is where it's at.
From our bunch to yours, a very Happy Easter. Enjoy, and avoid Walmart.
I have a very, very brief minute to check in but I'm taking full advantage because writing is cathartic, and this Momma had a really, really rough Saturday. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy. I just think that one day, when someone finds me curled up in the fetal position clutching an empty bottle of vodka and mumbling something like "the horror..." you may all be able to figure out what drove me to it if I testify now.
Here's the thing. I slacked off, to an epic extreme, and suddenly it was Easter Eve and I had NOTHING. Literally, nothing. So after two baseball games the Cop volunteered to take the extremely filthy, tired, and cranky wild boys home so I could do the shopping. And somehow, in my stupor, I thought I got the better end of that deal. No kids, no problem, right? So I drove right on over to the very portal to hell itself - Walmart.
I don't do Walmart. I just don't. But all I needed was to find some Easter goodies for my two, cherubic little darlings...how hard could that be? I'd just pop in, grab some stuff, pop out... No. So much no. In retrospect I should have driven the 40 minutes to Target like I usually do. But I was proud. I was a fool.
As it turns out, the day before holidays brings out the absolute best in customer variety in Walmart. There was a charming obese couple driving rascals that had all but entirely blocked the entrance trying to ride side by side. The fact that I couldn't get through the front door without drama should have tipped me off that it was going to be rough. But I just plodded through a side entrance, intent on the mission. Along with what felt like ONE MILLION OTHER PEOPLE. Some of whom knew each other well enough to embrace and have conversations with each other that actually involved the sentence "no, he doesn't look that bad - everyone in this county has had a mullet at least once in their life" (and for the record - not true...no mullets up in la Casa, that's a hard and fast rule). Some were just as shocked and numb as me at the crowds, huddled to the side with their carts in wide eyed horror. And some, some were there to maximize on whatever random crap was on sale.
As it turns out, the giant, Prius sized bin of cheap blu-rays was the place to be if you were a random sale crap shopper. I have no idea what was in it, but I do know that it was drawing in weirdos like lights draw in moths and pretty rocks draw in tweakers. People were setting infants on the floor to get a good dive to the bottom. An extremely large woman in a very fitted shirt with a Chihuahua crammed in the pocket tight enough to make its eyes bulge even more than normal was taking up an entire side with some angry elbow jabs at helpless bystanders. And employees stood back watching. I'm guessing they had wagers placed on it.
I grabbed some candy. God's honest truth, I'm not even sure what I ended up with, as evidenced by the fact the Cop haphazardly grabbed some candy this morning and had a jellybean mixed in with chocolate and officially "fired" the Easter bunny. But in my defense there was brutally little left with less then 24 hours left to the big day. Plastic eggs? None. Regular M&M's? None. Egg dyeing kits? None. I ventured down toy aisles, I ventured down sports aisles, and eventually I cut my losses and went to Big 5 and Safeway. It worked out in the end. Easter morning happened, and with the glaring exception of the Cop nearly dying from accidental jellybean ingestion, life went on.
I'm in recovery. We had a lovely morning, and I'm about to have a lovely bloody mary to help the healing process. Valuable lesson learned - preparedness is key, and Target is where it's at.
From our bunch to yours, a very Happy Easter. Enjoy, and avoid Walmart.
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