Father Knows Best
My bouncing baby boys, they are amazing creatures. And, having subscribed to the attachment model of parenting, were pretty much sewn to me for...well, it felt like forever I'm not going to lie. I was a huge believer of the whole "the world is a cruel place, and they'll figure it out soon enough, so why not comfort them when it's simple and I have the ability" train of thought. That train of thought, it has produced fantastic little humans. But really and truly, it's time to switch them from the mommy train to the train that takes a nice, scenic tour through manland. That was the declaration of the cop after discovering how badly his little men wanted to blow dry their hair and paint their toenails.
So, starting a few months ago the cop changed his schedule. For the first time in years (about four, to be exact), the cop and I had days off in common. This allowed for limited couple time, but a vast increase in paternal exposure and best of all, solo Mommy time. Suddenly I had at least half a day a week with NO testosterone exposure. I could go shopping with girlfriends, I could have leisurely lunches, I could finally reclaim the wild fronteir that once was perfectly blended roots and well maintained eyebrows. I could be a girl!
Don't get me wrong. Regaining femininity comes at the price of my pride. Much like the hairdresser, the girls at the nail salon inhale sharply when they see my fingernails and chastise me in English about severe neglect before switching to their native tongue to speak more freely about (at least in my horribly paranoid mind) the pasty white chick who has cuticles like a farm laborer and toe callouses that could rival elephant knee skin. They are very sure to remind me before I leave that I MUST come back soon. For my company? Oh gosh no. For the cash I bleed? Sadly, again no. To save themselves the back and neck strain of needing something one step up from a belt sander to grind me down to normal levels? Yes, yes indeed.
The break, though, has been fantastic for me, and I think it's been great for all the boys as well. But you have to know when to ask them. While the little ones will always tell you a Daddy day rocks, you kind of have to lull daddy into a happy place with red meat and a cold beer before asking how his day was. Usually at that point his eye twitch has subsided and he can talk in conversational tones without the authoritative police yell which needs be employed to halt a rock throw mid launch.
Some of the best conversations on earth, though, come from the boys following adventures with the cop. They can say something in passing that will suddenly clarify how mud makes it to the ceiling, why there is no food on the lower shelves in the pantry, or why Daddy is "having a little rest right now."
Examples of some classic one liners? Sure. I've got plenty.
"Mom MOM MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!! Daddy said we could have COFFEE this morning and he put sugar in it and it's SOOOOOOOO good and I don't even want breakfast anymore I'm not really hungry I have to pee a little bit and can I please have another cup?"
"Because, Mom, that's HOW you are supposed to play the game. We can't turn into forest animals unless we cover ourselves in the dirt first."
"Daddy said we could help, but he mainly just made us move rocks. I must have moved at least 90. Daddy didn't seem to really be doing anything, actually."
"Gabe tried to fly on the swing like Superman. Don't worry, Daddy cleaned up all the blood."
"And the ants, well they were EVERYWHERE Momma."
"We found lizards and this time nobody even got bit."
Now, don't get me wrong. The boys get into plenty of hair raising shenanigans on my watch. The poor cop comes home to shower doors knocked off hinges and a wife curled up in a fetal position in her recliner with a giant glass of wine and a straw. And usually it takes WAY longer for my eye twitch to subside. I'm actually considering botox for the paralytic agent so people won't realize how truly disturbed I am. Like the giant to go cup of wine isn't a tip off of some kind...
So, starting a few months ago the cop changed his schedule. For the first time in years (about four, to be exact), the cop and I had days off in common. This allowed for limited couple time, but a vast increase in paternal exposure and best of all, solo Mommy time. Suddenly I had at least half a day a week with NO testosterone exposure. I could go shopping with girlfriends, I could have leisurely lunches, I could finally reclaim the wild fronteir that once was perfectly blended roots and well maintained eyebrows. I could be a girl!
Don't get me wrong. Regaining femininity comes at the price of my pride. Much like the hairdresser, the girls at the nail salon inhale sharply when they see my fingernails and chastise me in English about severe neglect before switching to their native tongue to speak more freely about (at least in my horribly paranoid mind) the pasty white chick who has cuticles like a farm laborer and toe callouses that could rival elephant knee skin. They are very sure to remind me before I leave that I MUST come back soon. For my company? Oh gosh no. For the cash I bleed? Sadly, again no. To save themselves the back and neck strain of needing something one step up from a belt sander to grind me down to normal levels? Yes, yes indeed.
The break, though, has been fantastic for me, and I think it's been great for all the boys as well. But you have to know when to ask them. While the little ones will always tell you a Daddy day rocks, you kind of have to lull daddy into a happy place with red meat and a cold beer before asking how his day was. Usually at that point his eye twitch has subsided and he can talk in conversational tones without the authoritative police yell which needs be employed to halt a rock throw mid launch.
Some of the best conversations on earth, though, come from the boys following adventures with the cop. They can say something in passing that will suddenly clarify how mud makes it to the ceiling, why there is no food on the lower shelves in the pantry, or why Daddy is "having a little rest right now."
Examples of some classic one liners? Sure. I've got plenty.
"Mom MOM MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!! Daddy said we could have COFFEE this morning and he put sugar in it and it's SOOOOOOOO good and I don't even want breakfast anymore I'm not really hungry I have to pee a little bit and can I please have another cup?"
"Because, Mom, that's HOW you are supposed to play the game. We can't turn into forest animals unless we cover ourselves in the dirt first."
"Daddy said we could help, but he mainly just made us move rocks. I must have moved at least 90. Daddy didn't seem to really be doing anything, actually."
"Gabe tried to fly on the swing like Superman. Don't worry, Daddy cleaned up all the blood."
"And the ants, well they were EVERYWHERE Momma."
"We found lizards and this time nobody even got bit."
Now, don't get me wrong. The boys get into plenty of hair raising shenanigans on my watch. The poor cop comes home to shower doors knocked off hinges and a wife curled up in a fetal position in her recliner with a giant glass of wine and a straw. And usually it takes WAY longer for my eye twitch to subside. I'm actually considering botox for the paralytic agent so people won't realize how truly disturbed I am. Like the giant to go cup of wine isn't a tip off of some kind...
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