Soccer Mom Failure
Hola Wild Boy friends and fam, and welcome back to another fun filled week in failed adventures in parenting. No, I'm totally kidding. Obviously, we're nailing this parenting thing...or that's what we'll tell everyone.
But I'm going to level with you, faithful few - I'm absolutely terrible at the textbook version of this mom thing. And nothing brings this realization more to the forefront then soccer season. Ah yes, soccer season. Several months of cross fit moms in SUV's arriving 30 minutes before the game with their latte (soon to be Pumpkin Spice Latte - you know the season is upon us), wearing yoga pants and designer sunglasses and flocking together to make casual conversation about how their children may be able to get together for a play date at some ceramic studio after they go to cello lessons...you get the idea. It's like a Stepford Wife convention every Saturday. They say things like "oh, as long as we're coordinating snacks can we all just agree that every week should be sliced fruit and some kind of bottled water? That way we can avoid all of the gluten and sugar dye...oh, but try to buy organic and watch out for the GMO's right everyone?"
They are just the cutest, aren't they?
Meanwhile, at 15 minutes until the soccer game I will come hauling into the field swearing under my breath in the cop's pickup truck. The sunglasses that were actually kind of cute broke at some point, I'm not sure if it was at an amusement park or during some kind of nonsense I'm way too old for at work, like crawling on roofs to get in windows while the 20 year old baby cops stand by and say things like "Ma'am, I'm not sure that's a good idea...ma'am, your husband is really not going to like this..." so I've replaced them with a cheap emergency pair from a drug store. Although I have yoga pants, they will be abandoned for jeans because I need pockets to carry things in (how do those other mom's not have pockets?), usually my children's teeth when sports are involved. There's never time for coffee (I'll buy a soda at the snack bar - that's right people, a full on coke), there's never even time to do my hair which is why I'll have a ponytail if I can find a rubber band instead of just teeth in my pockets, otherwise I'll go full Medusa.
"Mom, hold my tooth okay?"
The cop is a lucky, lucky man, am I right?
But it gets better. While the Stepford Soccer Mom Club convenes to casually discuss the play dates I will be sitting on the sidelines screaming at the team. Things like "take it away! TAKE IT AWAY!!! YOU'D NEVER LET YOUR BROTHER STEAL FROM YOU LIKE THAT!!!" Or "WHY ARE YOU WALKING?!?!? THERE'S NO WALKING IN SOCCER!!!" But at all the kids, because I'm equal opportunity like that. I've recruited two other moms to join me in this so far, and we have the loudest sideline at the complex hands down every time.
Stepford moms, I know you don't approve. I just don't care. I see you looking at my kids eating junk food, and subsequently giving your kids junk food. My kids are cool like that. And now you can load your kid, jacked up on sugar, into that SUV and drive back to perfect land. We'll see you out here next week. I'll be the one with the crazy hair, my kids will be the ones playing hard and then celebrating with actual treats. Until next time, happy soccer season from la Casa!
Snow cone the size of his head.
But I'm going to level with you, faithful few - I'm absolutely terrible at the textbook version of this mom thing. And nothing brings this realization more to the forefront then soccer season. Ah yes, soccer season. Several months of cross fit moms in SUV's arriving 30 minutes before the game with their latte (soon to be Pumpkin Spice Latte - you know the season is upon us), wearing yoga pants and designer sunglasses and flocking together to make casual conversation about how their children may be able to get together for a play date at some ceramic studio after they go to cello lessons...you get the idea. It's like a Stepford Wife convention every Saturday. They say things like "oh, as long as we're coordinating snacks can we all just agree that every week should be sliced fruit and some kind of bottled water? That way we can avoid all of the gluten and sugar dye...oh, but try to buy organic and watch out for the GMO's right everyone?"
They are just the cutest, aren't they?
Meanwhile, at 15 minutes until the soccer game I will come hauling into the field swearing under my breath in the cop's pickup truck. The sunglasses that were actually kind of cute broke at some point, I'm not sure if it was at an amusement park or during some kind of nonsense I'm way too old for at work, like crawling on roofs to get in windows while the 20 year old baby cops stand by and say things like "Ma'am, I'm not sure that's a good idea...ma'am, your husband is really not going to like this..." so I've replaced them with a cheap emergency pair from a drug store. Although I have yoga pants, they will be abandoned for jeans because I need pockets to carry things in (how do those other mom's not have pockets?), usually my children's teeth when sports are involved. There's never time for coffee (I'll buy a soda at the snack bar - that's right people, a full on coke), there's never even time to do my hair which is why I'll have a ponytail if I can find a rubber band instead of just teeth in my pockets, otherwise I'll go full Medusa.
The cop is a lucky, lucky man, am I right?
But it gets better. While the Stepford Soccer Mom Club convenes to casually discuss the play dates I will be sitting on the sidelines screaming at the team. Things like "take it away! TAKE IT AWAY!!! YOU'D NEVER LET YOUR BROTHER STEAL FROM YOU LIKE THAT!!!" Or "WHY ARE YOU WALKING?!?!? THERE'S NO WALKING IN SOCCER!!!" But at all the kids, because I'm equal opportunity like that. I've recruited two other moms to join me in this so far, and we have the loudest sideline at the complex hands down every time.
Stepford moms, I know you don't approve. I just don't care. I see you looking at my kids eating junk food, and subsequently giving your kids junk food. My kids are cool like that. And now you can load your kid, jacked up on sugar, into that SUV and drive back to perfect land. We'll see you out here next week. I'll be the one with the crazy hair, my kids will be the ones playing hard and then celebrating with actual treats. Until next time, happy soccer season from la Casa!
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